Who Doesn't Love Closure?

Well readers guess what? I just got an e-mail from Sarah! Ha, yes friends, that is correct. I finally decided to stop being one of those whiny crybaby faggots I'm always bitching about and tell Sarah that I miss her, so that's what I did. It wasn't in an attempt to lure her back here to be with me, I stand by what I have already posted about the matter, but I just wanted her to know. It's part of my new catharsis program that doesn't involve hate fucking.

Anyhow, so not long after I get an e-mail back from her which I can more or less sum up by saying that she still has feelings for me, but she cares too much about this Bobby guy, and I'm sure you all recall how I feel about him, and that we have to keep our interactions, if any, to friend related material.

Can we still be friends! Ha, I haven't heard that one in a while. Still, I wasn't upset. That was more or less the response I was expecting/hoping to get. The whole point was for me to get those feelings off my chest so I avoid future rampages of death and destruction. But then friends, but then, about 2 days later I received this gem from her. So readers for your viewing enjoyment here is what she said:

"Andrew,
I wanted to let you know that I read your blog. Actually, I read it
twice. The whirlwind of emotions I've felt in the past few hours
reading it has me, well….baffled. I don't know exactly what to say
about the events you described, I'm not even sure how to feel. Since
I don't know what is going on in my head, I'll just tell you how I
reacted initially.

The first time, I started reading at blog 11 (it was on the first
webpage and I am inherently lazy). Naturally I was a bit confused at
first…..mixing myself with princess from time to time. At one point I
even thought I = Princess (Sarah means "princess" in Hebrew ya know).
I was flattered at the Fay Wray metaphor….fuck, I own that movie. That
part made me laugh. But by the time I got to the 13th entry…..I
started to realize this blog wasn't fiction and that you were in fact
being "brutally honest." I cried.

I immediately wrote you an email…full of rage, disgust and
disappointment. Everything you'd expect, I'd imagine, after reading
something like this blog. Then I remembered that I care. I care
about you even though you can be deceitful and crude. I once again,
deleted my first reaction email and decided to read the entire
blog….start to finish.

Upon finishing the second read, I am not angry. I'm shocked you must
understand….maybe more at my gullible self than at you. But I am not
angry. I am a bit relieved too after reading the "clean as a whistle"
part. Thank you for being responsible in that regard. Overall
though….I guess I should have seen this coming. You are a guy after
all and you had told me that you were seeing other people after me and
Mexico got crazy….what else should I have expected?

That doesn't mean I approve of any of it or that I'm ok with it. You
are not who I thought I knew…if that makes any fucking sense. Sure I
knew you were a little rough around the edges, a little dirty….but
those were reasons I liked you so much. Truth is, I think I'm
appalled by you now. You can't expect to come clean with someone and
call yourself 'brutally honest' after you've lied completely…..THATS
NOT HONESTY! That's deceit and treachery and I am a fool for
thinking you were anything different.

I'm glad that you suggested I not wait around for you after I left CO.
You have no idea how crushed I would be if I'd sacrificed what now
makes me happy to wait for you to dump this all on me months later. I
am not sure where our "friendship" stands at the moment, but I guess
it doesn't matter, cuz 'guys don't want to be friends with girls'
anyway….right?

Realize that I AM being brutally honest with you…from the start. I am
upset. I am confused. I think I'm even a bit hurt. But again…I still
care about you regardless of this bullshit, so I'm giving you all I
can think of….the truth.

Give me a few days and maybe I'll calm down. Lucky for you, I tend to
forgive and forget pretty easily, but again….who knows if you'll even
want my friendship. I don't know what you want. Take this email as you
will….I meant every word.

Sarah"


As I read this, I almost had one of those, HOW FUCKING ANGRY DOES THIS MAKE ME moments, but to honest, I just couldn't conjure the rage. I've experienced so much frustration over the past few years, and especially over the past few months, also concerning events that I didn't write about for all the world to see, that I just absorbed this one. As you can imagine, hearing that the girl you've been idealizing for ages is now appalled by you, is somewhat painful and rage inducing, but what would you have me do?

All I can say is this:
I am who I am. I am who I am and I don't have room in my life for people who can't except and love me for the furious miserable worthless bastard that I am.

Sarah, the man you spent time with out here was really me. It may not have been all of me, but it was really me, plain and simple.

I was willing to give it all up for you. I was actually willing to go against everything that I had been doing, every comfort zone I had just for you. I would have changed, and cleaned up. Now I see that I shouldn't have to. No one should ever have to change to earn someone else's love.

I could go on about what a tortured soul I've become, and how no one understands me. I've always hated that shit, because that shit is fucking stupid in the simplest of terms.

When I started this post I had a lot more to say, but honestly I feel that I've said all I need to say. There are few people that actually do understand me, and the rest, i suppose, do not.