Guna Die Alone part 10

Before I go any further, here are a few things to know about mexico the girl.

Mexico is about 27 for starters, and she has one of those real jobs I hope to never have myself. She’s a nurse or surgical assistant or some shit like that. As I said, a real job. The kind you go to school a long time for. That makes her all responsible and shit. Another reason why I wonder why she’s interested in me. I’m a useless bag of bones. Granted they are angry bones, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re also useless. She informed me that she had already been looking around and applying to grad school programs, so she could go back to school and become a child care specialist, AKA stupid fucking woman job.

Honestly, she wants to be a child care specialist. You know what that sounds like to me? It sounds like someone just wants to be mom. Seriously though, she actually wants to go to school, not just school but grad school, unload shit tons of cash for however many more years, so she can take care of a bunch of snot nosed gremlins running around screaming, shoving crayons up their noses, and poking their own eyes because kids are fucking annoying and do loads of stupid shit like that.

It would be a lot easier if she just made herself up like a tramp, which as we all know is a secret talent all you women possess, then convince some guy, THAT ISN’T ME, to shoot her full of grade A man vitamins so she can get with the babies. In 9 months she could be taking care of her very own shit machine, one that comes equipped with an extra vomit attachment, as opposed to the 4 to 6 years it will take her to do whatever over here.

But no! She has to go through the whole process just so she can wear that fucking white lab coat with her name on it, and don’t forget that extra pair of panties she’ll have every time she wets herself when people call her doctor. Because she has to fucking feel important, and drive me fucking crazy while she does it!

I definitely overreacted when I heard she was coming out. In fact, I had a fucking cow. Still, when she told me she was coming, my brain turned into mush. All I could say was, OK.

Fucking ridiculous. Am I wrong for freaking the fuck out? I don’t believe so. I meet this girl in Mexico randomly on vacation, we hook up, then go home. Not long after she calls to tell me she might be moving to my town. That’s some fucking amazing shit! How could I not freak the fuck out? I imagined her standing over me with a sledge hammer, like Kathy Bates in Misery, about to break my ankles, as she tells me she loves me and it’s for the best. It’s not for the fucking best, and you don’t love me. All you were was a fucking dick warmer to me. That’s it.

I’ve met very few girls that were actually capable of fucking without any emotional attachment. Is it really that hard? I fucking do it all the time.

Think about it logically for a moment. This is what I imagine going through the girl’s head.

“Oh god! He’s hate fucking my asshole. He must love me.” OR

“Sweet Jesus! He just came on my face. It’s meant to be.” And in the specific case of mexico.

“Good lord! He’s really wasted and we’re making sloppy sex outside on vacation. He’s totally going to propose.”

Cum dumpsters! That’s what you fucking whores are to me. A pillow with a hole in it serves the same function you do. Jesus!

Ok deep breathes. Remember girls, no matter what I say about you, my life still revolves around you. I’m a fucking slave to you ladies, and it’s true as much as it pains me to say it. And on that note, it’s time to back track a bit.

Remember when I said that after my return from vacation, I had emotional blue balls? Well that was just it. I was so upset and I couldn’t express myself. I was just totally exhausted. Part of it, was that I realized I was totally infatuated with princess.

This is also the part of my story where I may get myself into real life trouble. People who know me, people I work with, people who know her, have told me they have been reading this blog. So, it’s just a matter of time before these people figure out who I’m talking about and go flapping their traps. This will most likely result in a lot of people being very angry with me, potential slaps to the face, loss of friendships, and possibly even an ass kicking coming my way.

But you know what readers, I don’t fucking care. If I were to die young, it wouldn’t be because I burned out on booze or drugs. If I die young it will be from the overwhelming frustration that I experience all the time. My mind is a constant firestorm of dissatisfaction and irritation. My ire has no limits. I’m a very brutally honest person, but I accepted a long time ago that were I to speak to everyone the way that I wish I could, I would no longer be able to interact with anyone. I can barely interact with anyone as it is, because I just fucking hate everything.

Still, I haven’t been trying to hide what I’ve been saying on this thing, and I figured it would just be a matter of time before everyone figured it out. And you know readers, should these people get all fucking butt hurt for the mean things I say, well then fuck them for being the bunch of whiny ass fucking crybabies I’ve already accused them of being.

Honesty is a rare gift that very few people ever really get. Honesty is possibly the greatest thing in all the world, and it is a scarce commodity. It’s something I want to give to everyone, no matter how horrible it may be.

So, as I was saying, princess.

Princess was just fucking awesome. Let me describe her to you if I may.

She just turned 28 for one, and as you may recall I’m very attracted to women about that age. She’s a massage therapist. Pause on that for a moment. She’s a fucking massage therapist. Good lord that’s awesome. I can only imagine some of the things she can do. On top of that she’s absolutely fucking gorgeous, with an amazing body. She’s a blonde, but not long ago she dyed her hair brown. This amused me because I totally prefer brunettes to blondes. This just gave me a bigger boner for this girl. She’s also into tattoos, just like me, and she has some cool ones. And, AND, AND!!! Get this folks…she likes heavy fucking metal.

Yes that’s right! You heard me. A fucking hott ass chick, that likes heavy metal music. Now I’m a total metal head. I like it loud and full of hate. In my current emotional state, heavy metal is one of the few things I can say that I don’t hate. It just suits me. Now I know this may not seem like all that big of a deal to some of you, but if you were a metal head you’d understand. Especially, when you live in a fucking hippie town like Fort Collins. Metal girls are really hard to come by, and when you find one, they’re usually some fat Hot Topic reject that used to be a goth kid. Even though they don’t really like metal but it’s cooler than liking industrial, since industrial is fucking stupid. Trent Reznor did go dance party for some reason. Good one asshole. And if they should like metal, then they usually like that poppy radio metal, that isn’t really fucking metal. This is because no one likes metal anymore, so metal never gets played on the radio.

Odd that I would like something that isn’t popular. Weird huh? Anyway, my point is that she was a rare find. She’s also really fucking nice. And I mean there isn’t a mean bone in her body. At least not from what I’ve seen. Now readers, you might be asking yourself, what would I see in a girl that’s all nice and stuff? And you know, that is a good question. Whenever I would talk to her, I would just turn into goo. A big pile of goo. It was odd, but when I would talk to her I’d calm down. I would be totally relaxed, and not pissed off.

The other girls I was seeing didn’t have that affect on me. In fact, they usually just made me angrier. Except for Sarah of course. I was always calm when Sarah was around. Now this feeling was being duplicated, and I felt I needed to hang onto it.

It reminded me of King Kong and Fay Wray. Now for you movie morons Fay Wray played Ann Darrow in the original 1933 version of King Kong. This movie had stop motion animation, which is bad ass, as opposed to that shitty CG animation where King Kong fights a triad of T-Rex. He’s supposed to fight 1 T-Rex not 3, but 1 is never good enough for you action hungry cretins is it?

Anyhow, Kong would be going crazy then Fay Wray would come out and Kong would settle the fuck down. Or he’d go gay fucking ice skating with Naomi Watts. Good one assholes. This is what this girl meant to me. Something told me I had to have her.

So ladies, if your still reading, this is where I would remind you that even though I say some terrible things about you, I’m still sitting here drooling all over myself thinking about how much I love you. So if you’re still all butt hurt about some of the things I say then fuck you get over it.

So I was on a mission. For a few moments I entertained the idea that I could keep my other 3 girls, plus mexico on the phone and still be able to go after princess. I call her that because that what she was to me. She was my fucking heavy metal princess. Fortunately, I quickly tossed the idea of trying to juggle all of these girls, and decided that I would go after princess in a legitimate fashion, which meant discarding all the other girls.

This would not be a problem for me at all, since fuck those fucking whores, fuck them right up their stupid asses. I had bigger fish to bone. Get it? I’m so funny…

Now I was all set to stop acting like a scumbag when mexico calls and tells me she’s coming out. Do I tell her not to? Well you already know that I’m a fucking retard and the shock turned me into mush, and I said OK.

SIGH.

At this point I told myself that I would ditch the other chicks, mexico would come out here, I would do everything in my power not to fuck her again, break it off with her, since I had been sweet talking her to death, and then go after princess.

Sounds good doesn’t it. Sadly, I epic fail.

In part 11 I’ll tell you all about mexico’s visit and why it made me the saddest panda in all of the kingdom.