Guna Die Alone part 12

The morning I left princess’ house to go meet up with my friends before mexico got into town, I had accidentally left some of my winter paraphernalia in her living room. I called her not long after and asked her if she would be nice enough to drop my stuff off at my work and I’d get it when I had time. Princess lives on the exact opposite side of town as me, so getting over there is a pain in the ass. She said sure. This is important for later.

So by the time that mexico got into town I had disposed, if you will, of my other lady friends.

You already know the story of how feminist and I parted ways. I had no intention of ever calling that crazy cunt stain ever again. Someone really needs to convince that bitch to take a valium or something. Either that or her ex-husband, which doesn’t surprise me at all that he left, should show up and shake that bitch till she settles down. It really works I’m not kidding.

Gypsy actually took care of this process for me. The last time we hung out she pulled me aside as I was leaving and told me she really wasn’t looking to get attached to anyone. This didn’t really come as a surprise. She did say she was still down to hang out and stuff, which was her way of saying that she was still fine with getting drunk together and having some sex. Normally that’s just what I want to hear, but I took the opportunity to tell her that if we kept hanging out I would get attached to her, and we should just call it quits. It wasn’t a total lie, but there was definitely some truth bending involved.

Then there was stripper. Well, to be honest I kind of forgot about her.

This leads us back to mexico’s visit. I feel I should also include some of the things I told mexico before she came for her visit. I realized that my relationship with this chick was about to have many Hindenburg like qualities to it, so I thought I should say something. I told her something along the lines of, “if you want to move out here for school that’s fine, but don’t move out here for me.” I then explained to her what a fucking wreck I was, which is true obviously, and that I really couldn’t be her boyfriend. I’d show her around and that’s it. She said ok I understand.

But really folks, when a girl says ok I understand, to something you explain to them logically, they don’t really understand. What they really mean is, “Ok I’m going to change you!”

When will you organic blow-up dolls understand that we don’t want you to change us, for fuck’s sake. I want to stay just as I am. If in case I had just received a full frontal lobotomy from H.O.L.E, then perhaps I would be susceptible to change, but it just isn’t so.

In case you were curious as to what H.O.L.E is, well it’s supernatural phenomenon that could be classified right next to things such as the Tooth Fairy, or the Boogey Man, Santa Claus, and probably Jesus. H.O.L.E. stands for harlots occasionally love evil, though occasionally should probably be changed to every minute of every day, but that wouldn’t fit into the acronym now would it. H.O.L.E is a group of wicked women that sneak into men’s bedrooms at night and remove part of their brain. You see, every man has a part in his brain that tells him it’s a bad idea to marry girls we don’t like, which is all girls more or less. H.O.L.E goes in and cuts that part of the brain out, which explains why men get married. I think it should be put right into Mother Goose and shit to warn the young lads of the perils that will come. H.O.L.E’s members include various evil figures such as, Bitcherella, Whorenstein, Slutzilla, Skankosaurus, and who could forget Cunta Kinte. Look out fellas, some holes just aren’t worth it.

The moral of the story is please don’t try and change us, but if I’m going to try and argue or reason with a woman, it would probably be more productive to go bash my head into pulp against a wall, or light myself on fire. But whatever, I told mexico how I felt and she didn’t listen.

It was my fault though really, because I hate fucked her. And as we all learned earlier, when I hate fucked her, in her mind it translated to:

“Oh he’s hate fucking me. He must have just been kidding. He totally loves me!”

SIGH.

On the second day mexico gets all excited to go out on a “real” date with me or something fucking retarded like that. I say whatever and take her somewhere, since I’m trying really hard to focus on the fact that all I have to do is avoid people I know while she’s here. This is a lot harder than it seems.

Fort Collins is a very small place, and I’ve lived here most of my life. As a result I know a fuck ton of people, and it’s hard to go anywhere without running into someone I know, but more importantly running into someone I know that’s going to tell princess that I’m out with this crazy mexico slut.

Here’s a fun example. My friends and I more or less hang out at the same bar every week. Surfside 7. On one particular occasion my friends and I were in the bar talking, and after I took a good look around, I paused whatever stupid bullshit we were discussing. I informed everyone to look around. Between the 4 of us we had, dated, fucked, made out with, or at least done something with every girl in the place. It made me sigh to myself.

It’s an odd feeling knowing that you’ve probably fucked all of your friends indirectly through other people. It’s like that 3 degrees of Kevin Bacon shit you hear about on TV, except this involved your genitals and a lot of tears.

So everyone in Fort Collins knows everybody and we’ve all fucked each other, give or take. This is my dilemma trying to keep shit secret. To start, we go out to dinner. Unfortunately this bitch is all about fancy shit, which makes me sad because I’m poor. But I still manage to use this to my advantage. Since the majority of the people I fraternize with are also poor, I take her to an expensive restaurant, and we’re safe.

Side note. Do you remember earlier when I said something about how this girl reminded me of what a philistine I actually am? Well, it’s true.

Right off the bat I’ll say that I’m a PBR drinking, ramen noodle eating, duct tape fixing, dirty clothes wearing, shit hole living, rocker kid. I don’t like fancy, or ritzy shit. I like to be surrounded by a little filth, because it makes me feel cozy. I enjoy the fact that my home is ancient, and falling apart, and that I’m crammed in here with 2 other guys that are equally filthy and ridiculous as I am.

She is the exact opposite, just another reason why it isn’t meant to be. You should have seen all the shit she brought with her for a fucking 3 day trip. Honestly, she brought more stupid girl shit with her on this trip than all of my possessions combined. Why does one need so much luggage? Not too mention her monstrous make-up bag. It took her so long to get ready for anything. Now I’m aware that it takes women longer than men to get ready for stuff, in general, that’s fine. But this girl, good lord. She just had so many products to apply to herself I’m shocked we ever went out at all.

Don’t get me wrong I can appreciate when I woman takes some time to make herself up. When a chick is really trying to look hott, they do nothing but succeed as far as I’m concerned, and that’s nice every so often. She went through this super rigorous make-up process every time she left the house. I even saw her make herself up, go out and take care of her grad school stuff, come back to my house take a second shower and make herself up again. What the fuck is going on here!

I like it when girls look the way they do naturally. That’s what I like. This mexico chick was not that in the least. Not too mention, she fucking made my house smell like butterflies, and rainbows and unicorns and all that other gay fucking shit I don’t like with the gallons of perfume and hair products she had on her all the fucking time.

I want my house to smell like booze, cigarettes, and MEN. Because that’s what a man house is supposed to smell like, not fucking gay ass butterflies and rainbows!

So after dinner we go to the movies, and the coast is still clear. She, of course, wants to go to a bar. I definitely could use a drink at this point since she’s driving me crazy, but where can I take her where we’ll be safe from people who know me? I’m sure as fuck not taking her to the bar I work at, or to the place I normally hang out at on my nights off. She suggests we go to the juice bar.

The fucking juice bar, that’s brilliant! I had earlier mentioned we had a bar in town that sold booze filled smoothies and slushies and shit like that. Now I hate that fucking place and never go there. I want my booze to taste like booze, not some pansy ass fucking faggoty smoothy with fruit and shit. It’s the perfect place to take her. The odds I’ll run into anyone I know there is slim.

I’m a fucking moron.

We roll into this place and there are literally 2 customers inside. One is this girl I know that works at a bar just a few doors down. It’s not a big deal though, because I never fucked her, and she is in a different social circle than what’s been going on in this blog. Still, I did say I couldn’t go anywhere. Guess who the other is. Go on guess.

The other customer is none other than stripper.

Jesus fucking Christ! Seriously? Fucking Seriously?

Now remember at the start of this entry I said I kind of forgot about stripper? Well, that’s exactly what happened. I hadn’t called her in a while, but I never officially broke it off with her either. And I can tell you only seconds after she saw me walk in with mexico, I could tell by the look on her face that she had indeed been sitting by the phone waiting for me to call for god knows how long.

At any moment I expect fireballs to fly out of her eyes and incinerate me. Or for her to unleash the legions of demons and fiends I know she has hiding in her vagina, to come fly across the bar and tear me to pieces.

Still, up until this point I’d had a pretty good run with the whole secrecy thing. I wasn’t exactly sure of what to do, so I just play it cool and I sit down with mexico at the other side of the bar and order some drinks. I wasn’t about to let some skank ass ho, drive me out of anywhere.

The bartender walks up and takes our orders. He is mid sized fat man, with crooked buck teeth, and a balding head. He is not very attractive. I’m not being needlessly mean here. His appearance will be important soon.

At any moment I also expect stripper to walk over to us and slap me or something, or make a scene, but she never does. Instead she does something far more hilarious.

So I’m sitting there with mexico doing my best to get drunk, because frankly this shit is outrageous, when I notice my beer is empty. As we all know empty beers are sub par for getting drunk so I flag down the bartender for a fresh one. I run into a problem when I discover the bartender is gone. Oh well, I thought, he’ll be back in a minute. Lot’s of minutes go by and both me and mexico are like what the fuck, where is this guy. At this point he’d been gone for about half an hour, and I was seriously on the verge of just hoping the bar and getting us new drinks myself. At this point I notice that stripper is also gone. Ah yes, the plot gets grosser.

I ask the other girl, who works down the road, where everybody went. She shrugs, since she isn’t sure, but goes to investigate, since we’re all thirsty. She goes into the back room, only to return very quickly looking terrified.

That’s right folks, stripper was in the back room with that ugly ass chud spite fucking him on account of me. Just imagining that guy naked in any way shape or form just gives me the willies.

As I said before stripper was really fucking smoking hott, so I don’t really know what to say except, Oh the hilarity!

I hope that made her feel better, because I certainly don’t give a fuck. I think a slap in the face or making a scene in front of me and my “new girlfriend” would have been a better payback than a spite fuck. Whatever though, girl logic is inextricable from craziness so who the fuck knows.

Good for the ugly guy though. I bet he had a good time.

After that I closed my own tab, stole a pint glass of the shelf, and called it a night. There might also have been more drunken hate fucking, but I’m not sure.

In part 13 someone spills the beans. Not only do they spill the beans but they piss and shit all over them and rub it in my face.