Guna Die Alone part 6

I’ll start off by saying that feminist was an absolute nut bag. It’s important to remember, however, that her nut baggery was different from, and added onto the already present insanity that all you ladies innately possess. That’s my way of saying she was extra crazy. And not only was she extra crazy, but she was sneaky about how extra crazy she was. I hung out with this woman and had no idea what she was actually like, until the proper catalyst was introduced.

Thanks Evan.
Evan may have saved my life. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This particular incident was like something you might see on the discovery channel. Something like…When Bitches Attack! or The Top Ten Most Dangerous Whores! It made me think of this show I watched about spiders.

What’s that you say? You never thought to compare women to spiders? Well yes actually, it is a completely new concept, that women, might conceivable be similar to spiders. I know right!

I’ll go ahead and copy this one more time for some of the slower members of my audience.
sat⋅ire 

–noun
1.
the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2.
a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3.
a literary genre comprising such compositions.

I’m getting to it don’t worry. So yes spiders. Specifically about that desert tarantula that digs a hole in the ground. Let’s pretend I’m a bug. This is one of those things some people might call a metaphor. I know this is tough, but bear with me folks. So yes, I’m a bug. How about a dung beetle…that sounds like it suits me. So I’m a big, sexy, manly dung beetle just pushing my dung along, minding my own business when I see this hole.

Now I’m sure by now you all can imagine how I feel about undiscovered holes. So I’m like, “Damn. I have to go check this out.” I owe it to all of dung beetle kind. So I go over to the hole and take a peek inside, totally harmless, then BAM! That fucking spider jumps out of the hole and bites my fucking face off and drains me of my manly fluids, and not in the way that I might usually enjoy.

This was feminist.

It really starts with the fact that feminist stole my best friend's bucket of change. Well alright, she didn’t technically steal it, but she kept it, and that may as well be steeling, since at this point I’m might not be able to get it back.

The first time I hung out with this woman was at her house for “Singles” Poker night. She had invited me the week before when I randomly ran into her at the bar and our mutual friends informed me that she had a thing for me. Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. I was less than pleased about my other 2 chicks, as you know, so I was totally in.

A week goes by and I head over to her house with my best friend Tim. She tells me that we are only going to play for spare change, so Tim and I grab his gigantic bucket of change he’s been hording for god knows how long.

When we get there we are both instantly disappointed, despite being the only men in a house full of single women. We discovered that none of the women at “Singles” poker night were actually single. Except for feminist, of course, but remember she was just separated from her husband, not divorced.

SIGH!

Seriously ladies, you can’t fucking call it singles poker if the people playing aren’t actually single. Do you remember a few posts ago when I said that women are smarter than men? Yes, I said it, and at the time I meant it. But maybe I should take it back because inviting young virile men to singles poker when no one is single is pretty fucking stupid. This isn’t rocket science god damn it!

In actuality, I think feminist was planning ahead. I feel like she was old enough to understand that men don’t ever want to be friends with girls. Obviously. So were she to invite us to poker night without the faint promise of poontang, then we never would have come. Obviously.

So what did she do? She tricked us so she could lure us over to her lair, kind of like one of those things…what are they called…oh yea! SPIDERS!

Anyhow, I still decide that maybe we could salvage the evening. The best part of all of this was that we discovered that all of these women we were playing poker with, including feminist, worked at a battered women’s shelter.

Now as you know I’m very sexist, and a mild misogynist. But really it’s all in good fun. Still, for most of the night I do almost everything in my power not to unleash my arsenal of jokes about women. And of course, battered women!

Some of my personal favorites include:

Q: What do you call that useless skin around the vagina?

A: The woman

OR

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the battered women's shelter?

A: The Fuckin' dishes if she knows what's good for her.

I could go on and on. Honestly, it caused me physical pain to bite my tongue as long as I did. Eventually I got really drunk and made sexist comments anyway, but by then everyone was more or less gone and it didn’t really matter. It also became fairly apparent that feminist was quite into me. Still, given the circumstances, I decided to abandon the operation. Tim and I went back to my house, got even drunker, and passed out watching movies. Sadly, we left the huge bucket of change and that slut kept it. Fucking sluts!

Now let’s flash forward to the last time we hung out before I called it quits. Everything that happens in between is totally boring and unimportant.

She calls me up and invites me out to the bar. I then proceed to meet her at my favorite bar the Surf Side, with every intention of getting drunk and taking her home and hate fucking the shit out of her.

When I get there she is already pretty sauced, so I take quick initiative and try to catch up. I liked this chick because she was older than me, like I said, and because she was working for something she cared about. She was actually doing something that helped other people. Saving women from abuse. I found the whole thing very attractive.

Now I know I joke about violence towards women a lot, but guys, don’t hit your ladies. I know women are crazy and you just want to smack them upside the head when they act crazy. Everyone can appreciate punching a bitch in the grill, but it’s just bad for business. Instead I suggest that should your lady get all out of control, just shake that bitch. Shake her till all the blood rushes to her head and she has to sit down and be quiet. That way everyone wins.

It also reminds me of this time a girl I used to see. On a particular occasion, during sex, she asked me to slap her around a little. Now tossing a girl around during sex is one thing, but actually hitting or punching her is another. I’d never had a girl ask me to hit her during sex before, so I wasn’t sure what to do. Being the adventurous fellow that I am, I asked her to be as specific as possible about how she wanted that to happen. After she explained what she wanted, it ended up with continuing to fuck her, only then to smack her in the face. Remember she asked me. I’d never punched a girl before, it was pretty satisfying. Anyway, she was so shocked I actually hit her she pushed me off her and ran out. You ladies are crazy. In case you forgot.

It’s a slow night at the bar when my very good friend Evan comes up to say high. He was also just hanging out. Now I was fairly drunk at this point so my memory is slightly cloudy. If I leave anything out I’m sure Evan will post something in the comments we can all enjoy. Evan and I share very similar opinions about most things, so I’m sure it will be gold. Though he was also pretty drunk, and I remember him blacking out afterwards and punching me a lot.

I don’t remember exactly how we go to this point in the conversation but it started when Evan made a joke about how old women go crazy because menopause gives them brain damage.

Fucking Christ was that some funny shit. Everyone who heard, including me, is just dieing of laughter. Feminist, however, was not amused. I’ve seen some angry women in my time, for damn sure, but I couldn’t believe how pissed she was over something so stupid. I’ve told other women about this, and they thought the joke was funny. And you know why, because it is fucking funny. Hold on let me post this again just in case some of you, like feminist, don’t understand.

sat⋅ire 

–noun
1.
the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2.
a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3.
a literary genre comprising such compositions.

Fucking seriously, why is this so hard for you people? When we say things that are completely outlandish and ridiculous it’s for a point, you fucking retards. Granted I do legitimately hate just about everyone, but anger can be used for very constructive purposes. And if you don’t think so then fuck you, because you’re probably one of those fucking retards that doesn’t understand this simple literary concept. I’d like to see all of you fucking troglodytes stick your stupid fucking faces in your ovens till you bake your faces off. Or better yet open your oven and turn on the gas then light a candle and pretend that nothing bad will happen to you since your head is jammed so far up your ass. That’s how most people get through life anyway.

This tirade went on for like 2 hours mind you. She started off by calling us sexists. Oh my, that’s original. Then she started ranting about how as a white man, Evan had no right to tell a joke like that because he was in a position of oppressive power. She said a lot more than that, but that’s basically the crux. Evan then attempted to explain, that by saying such stupid things, it takes power away from the assholes that really believe that shit. He even apologized to her a few times, since I was “with” her, and I’ve never really seen him apologize to anyone. Did she accept his apology? Well fuck no, because she’s a petty, immature, stupid cunt that’s why! Fucking Christ!

Calling me a white male oppressor. What a bunch of total fucking shit. All I do is bitch and be mean to people. I’m not oppressing shit. Not too mention Evan and I are young men, and classically, young people are considered to be stupid. We hang out in a punk bar, have tattoos, and belong to the so-called “counter culture”. And we’ve more or less rejected other classical ideas of what life should be about in good old America. On top of having no money. In a sense, we have chosen a form of exile. This is my way of saying that in contemporary times we get shit on just as much as anyone. And don’t forget that since we’re men we are viewed as an evil presence.

Loads of people think like this feminist cunt. Being a man is a bad thing, they would have us believe, so I might argue that men are becoming the new minority. Especially with all this affirmative action nonsense.

Now I’m not saying I want white men to run everything, far from it in fact. I think an Oligarchy of old crusty white asshole men is a terrible idea. I just want to be able to be who I am, feel the way I want to feel, without having to be ashamed of it. And I’ll be god fucking damned if I’ll ever sensor myself from anyone especially a closed minded bag of slut like this chick was. So cleverly hidden in the guise of righteousness. Well fuck you with a capital FUCK!

In an attempt to stick up for Evan I tried to explain that satire was our way of constructively venting our anger, and expressing our outrage on behalf of those who are unfairly oppressed.

She responded by saying something about how since I was a white man, in the seat of oppressive power I didn’t have the right to be outraged on other people’s behalf.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!

That’s how change happens you crotch pheasant ignoramus. Ever hear about the civil rights movement? I think that was about a lot of people being upset that certain groups of people were being oppressed unfairly. FUCKING ARRRRRGGGHH!

Needless to say I never fucked this chick. And that was the last time I hung out with her.

In part 7 I leave the country for a bit and I meet another woman. She follows me home.

Yes, hilarity ensues.