Heartfelt Bastard Tour 07

I had every intention of posting part 4 today, but alas practicality is a mother fucker.

Still, here's something to tide you over. A few summers ago I went on tour with my friends band, Heartfelt Bastard. I went along as den mother and their own personal journalist. No matter what state of mind I found myself in, I still managed to write everything down. So enjoy.

HEARTFELT BASTARD TOUR 2007
Blazing A Trail Of Class Across The Country

DAY 1

9am Wake up feel terrible.

9:01 Ryan smells bad.

9:30 Matt finally wakes up.

10:20 Arrive at Jamie’s.

10:30 “Enjoy” small talk and play with puppy as people take a long time to pack.

11 Van is finally loaded, oh so exciting.

11:01 Ryan still smells bad.

11:20 Get gas, it’s still too expensive.

11:21 Matt almost hits a truck, scary but hilarious.

11:38 Superfluous drive to Jamie’s bank.

11:45 Decide on tour names:
Matt = Gene Snake, he’s the tough guy
Ryan = Skuz, like that needs explaining
Jamie = Fernando, probably cause he’s the spicy one
Brad = Snort, that was just a fluke
Andrew = Sleeves, it’s ironic but it’s not

11:50 Hit the highway. The stolen suckers from the bank taste like ass.

5pm Stop at gas station in Raton NM. Broken men’s room probably involves Sleeves taking a big dump in the lady’s room. The trail of class begins.

5:10 Skuz buys new atlas and almost leaves it behind with Dr. Pepper. (And no that wasn’t product placement)

5:11 Angry attendant makes fun of Skuz for having alzhiemers.

5:15 Steal sauce from Arby’s and have a picnic the parking lot.

5:17 Skuz still smells bad, leaves floater in Arby’s restroom.

8pm Arrive in Albuquerque, immediately spot shady hotel, abandoned hospital, and big black hooker, probably a man.

8:20 Find Atomic Cantina. No smoking ban, horay!

8:22 Skuz doesn’t smell as bad due to deodorant theft. But barely.

8:25 Enjoy free drinks, talk to strangers. Skuz and Fernando find Kelly from Ft. Collins. It’s a small world after all.

9:30 Kelly gets us free drinks at the Launch Pad. The bartender is really hott. Probably inspired the deodorant theft.

9:45 Sleeves discovers Kelly had the same nerdy hobbies when they were kids. That’s worth more booze!

10pm Return to Atomic and play drunken pool. At this point too drunk to keep track of time effectively.

10:30 First band goes on. It’s the same the same drum and base line for every song. It’s rather sub-par. We drink more.

11pm Dead on Point Five goes on. Rock out!

11:25 Time stops for some reason.
Heartfelt Bastard goes on. Really drunk Skuz ruins four songs, but crowd too drunk to notice. Lot’s of fat Mexicans decide to mosh it up. We’re in “The Hood”.

Bastard makes enough to cover expenses, as well as more free booze.
Skuz and Fernando have a cooperative vomit in the Atomic restroom. One in the sink, and one in the urinal.

At last call load up the van and head to Andy’s house. Watch digital cable, smoke weed, and ponder why no one is getting coke while talking about music. Pass out eventually.

DAY 2

10:30am Wake up feel terrible.

11am Eat at Frontier, oh so tasty!

11:30 Return to Andy’s and watch cable as we pack up.

12:30 Head out!

12:33 Pay for $90 in gas and almost drive off without filling the tank. We rock for sure.

12:35 Scare some random girl, but she gave us bad directions so fuck her!

4pm Traffic on highway stops for some mysterious reason.

4:10 Horse in trailer in front of us gives Skuz the evil eye...is that a challenge!

5pm Traffic starts moving again. Apparently, a lemon loaded semi exploded in the road...disaster!

5:05 Van overheats, oh no more disaster! Stucky’s to the rescue!

5:15 Stucky’s is almost too white trash to handle, but still pretty hilarious. Way to charge us $14 for anti-freeze assholes!

5:45 Enter the realm of Texas, and celebrate by blaring Foreigner.

Things we forgot about NM:
Kelly’s favorite element was K, or Potassium. Then she vanished like drunken ninja!
Spot Snort talking to Basil, a.k.a. the only black man in Albuquerque.
Sometime before last call, Skuz pisses on Snake’s hand.
The bug shield on the van falls off. It apparently has seen enough. At least the hood is now perchable.
All of us dumbfounded as van vomits radiator fluid.
Sleeves walks bare-foot into Stucky’s bathroom. That was probably a bad call.

8pm (Back in Texas) Arrive at E.O.S. It’s a very odd house, doctor’s office, venue combination. No one knows what E.O.S stands for. Eat our shit? Every orifice stuffed? Enchanting Ovaltine shake? Equal opportunity sluts?

8:25 Visit the only Asian in Amarillo, and purchase High Life Light tall boys.

8:35 People start to show up. We meet Frohawk and company.

8:40 The taint conversation begins: Taint first and the Hot Tubs...beware the Australian Mohawk down under!

8:45 Realize there are a lot of pretentious coffee house fucks. Sleeves stops paying attention.

9:30 Spot fat English chicks dressed like zombies. Fat zombies talk to fat roller derby chicks, with out-of-place token black friend. Go Texas Go!

10:10 Johnny Handgun sings songs about fucking dead girls, and fat zombie girls love it.

11pm Bastard rocks out as Snort teases lots of people who probably deserve it. There is probably a lot of hilarious beer spittage.

11:30 Skuz busts out tuxedo thong. “Put your clothes back on!” -Crowd.

11:45 Some guy brings in an exotic beast. Kind of looks like an anteater fucked a raccoon. Is that Paris Hilton? The Humane Society hates you!

12am Royals go on, but who cares really?
Time stops again.
Owners threaten a puppy’s life to help sell merchandise for Bastard.
Bastard officially wasted, but as the sober driver Sleeves remains vigilant.
Record selling bonanza ensues...way to save the puppies assholes!
Odds the taint conversation is still going on? 100%
Not surprisingly, Fernando starts talking shit. “I’m gunna shank a bitch!”
As a result, we nearly get in a fight with random people across the street. The cops arrive, but fortunately Snort is very good at playing diplomat.

12:45 Skuz’s underpants are acknowledged on the ground in the parking lot.
A belligerent Fernando breaks a bottle, yet no shanking occurs.
Sleeves loses count of times he pulls up Fernando’s pants.
Skuz’s pants become the official van flag.
Skuz eats own pubic hair for $4 in change after burning them off.
Snakes responds by eating his own for free.
Roller derby sluts tag van for some reason.
Fernando drinks all of random girl’s rum, complains about how bad the rum is, smokes a joint that she rolled, and demands that she give Sleeves a blowjob. Sadly, the girl is married. Sorry Sleeves.
Fernando bites Sleeves’ cock through his pants. Almost as good as a free blowjob.
Fernando starts referring to all the girls by different names everytime they speak.
After speaking with the cops Snort vanishes to buy coke. How ironic.
Fernando vomits on the E.O.S couch. It probably added more character to the place.
Fernando also pisses on Royal’s van. The very butt-hurt Royals leave without their money, so Frohawk give us extra.
Snort returns. Mission accomplished.

1:30am Leave for El Paso.

1:33 Skuz gets us lost. Good one!

1:35 Snort does the newly acquired coke while Sleeves drives the van for the first time.

1:45 Gratuitous rain storm ensues. Sleeves has a hard time finding the road.

2:55 Skuz informs Sleeves that he can turn on the van brights. Brilliant!
There’s change in time zones so who knows when things start to happen.
Skuz and Sleeves enjoy driving through several creepy towns that appear abandoned. Some of them appear to be filled with random road lakes. Zombie attack expected at any moment.
Skuz freaks out about extreme blinky red lights near Roswell.

4am Back in NM time zone. Van overheats again, so we stop for a bit.
Quotes for Roswell:
“Let’s start a brush fire!” -Fernando
“I shit my man-thong...” -Skuz
Snort begs Sleeves to run Skuz over.
Pretenders sing-a-long at some point.

DAY 3

5am Still awake, feel terrible.
Sleeves has a hard time reading the clock.
Enter random Ewok looking forest, in between deserts. Sadly, despite the searching, there were no Ewoks.

6am Sleeves becomes delirious and can’t stop giggling.

6:35 Sleeves swerves van to avoid massive cat carcass. This signals the start of the road-kill highway adventure. There are dead animals every two seconds for miles and miles. It is decided that NM has no state animal because they’re all splattered on the highway...the land of enchantment indeed.

7:30 Skuz scares old man in gas station via his underpants flag.

8am Arrive in El Paso. Sleeves is about to die.

8:20 The search for Taco Cabana almost proves impossible. Fuck you Texas.

9am Cabana located, we heart tacos. Delirium overpowering...”Where the fuck am I?”
Find ourselves searching aimlessly for a hotel or something. Why do we need a fucking pool! Oh the dickheadery!
Finally locate hotel. Snort and sleeves bake in van while remaining fuckheads swim in the pool.

1pm Check into hotel. Thank you jebus! Sleep is attempted, but drinking beer just seems easier.

3pm Fernando and Snake go to waste gas on some kind of exploration. Good one.
Sometime before this Sleeves realizes that it’s not father’s day, and is livid for calling home. He probably yells at his mother.

5:08 It is decided that the current events in Texas can be described by one thing...Jean-Claud-Van-Dancing.
At some point Snort declares, “I’ll show you drunk!”

9:30 Arrive at Lucky Devils and immediately spot cowboy hat. Probably a recipe for disaster.

9:35 Discover that the band isn’t going to get free drinks. After discussion with cowboy hat he decides he can give us a $15 bar tab. Oh how generous.

9:40 Random acts of homophobia begin:
Sleeves puts mouth over overflowing beer, and older female bartender gets uncomfortable. Sleeves loves the cock it would seem...
Snake tells old guy that he looks good for his age. Suddenly old man wants to fight the faggots from Colorado. Way to go Texas!

10pm Bastard sets up. Spot a strange amount of twelve-year-olds sporting Sex Pistols gear. This bar rocks!

10:10 Sleeves starts hitting on younger female bartender. There are still no free drinks. He is displeased but not discouraged.

10:30 Bastard is in the middle of their set when twelve-year-olds start chanting Skuz! Skuz! It would seem that kids who’s balls have yet to drop love guys that smell bad and act like assholes.

10:31 Parents of kids look displeased.

10:32 Look around and notice that entire crowd is just the other bands waiting to play. Way to go Texas!

10:45 Bastard almost done with set, and parents still look displeased. Sleeves is thoroughly sauced.

10:55 Bastard finishes set and the parents quickly rescue their kids away. They are also censored from buying merchandise.

11:05 Disgusted that no one is buying anything, a wasted Sleeves starts spouting shit at people, though he finally squeezes some free drinks out of the cute bartender. He also sells her a T-shirt.

11:30 Next band goes on. Where did the crowd go?

12am We discover that fat cowboy hat is not going to pay for the show. “But I gave you a $15 bar tab.” Wow fucking Texas!

12:05 Diplomacy starts. It is explained to cowboy hat in a nice way that he is a terrible promoter and why it’s not a good idea to fuck the bands who are over-booked at shows that haven’t been advertised enough, just so he can pocket all the profits.

12:06 Diplomacy fails.

12:07 Shit talking starts. That’s more our style anyway.

12:45 Van is loaded yet shit talking continues. The owner feels bad that cowboy hat fucked us so he gives Snort $20. Older bartender buys us all tequila shots. That’s fucking super.

1am The legend is born!

1:05 “We should kick that guy’s ass.” -Snort
“Let’s just steal his hat.” -Snake
Brilliant!

1:25 We all sit in van poised to drive off while waiting for Snort to make his move.

1:30 Spot Snort as he grabs the cowboy hat off Hurley’s fat head. The van cheers!

1:31 Sadly, fat hat’s wing span proves too long, since he latches onto Snort’s hoodie and tackles him.

1:32 At the sight of Snort being accosted Fernando and Sleeves pounce on fat hat like jungle cats, as Skuz brandishes metal pipe at remaining poser fucks. Snake appears ominous as usual.

1:33 Shit talking increases. Cowboy hat receives knee to the face, gouged eye, and a beer soaked shirt courtesy of Fort Fucking Collins.

1:35 Drive back to motel in celebration, despite beings sans hat.

1:45 Snake and Sleeves hop fence and jump naked into hot tube. This is a strong move.

1:46 They realize that the hot tub is cold. Turns out it was a bad move.

1:50 Snake compliments Sleeves on having a nice penis. Sleeves remains gracious. That’s not gay at all.

1:55 Snake and Sleeves decide to steal patio furniture since the hot tub was a false advertisement.

2:45 Celebration continues in hotel room. Sleeves does blow for some reason, and talking has never been so easy.

DAY 4

11am Wake up feel terrible.

12pm After rehashing the evening, pack up and check out.

12:45 Get new fluids for the van, as we encourage our vehicle to stay strong. “The van runs on gas and superstition.”

1pm Hang out in the El Paso mall in all of its monolithic corporate splendor. Spot fat female security guard on some rascal-like device. It’s still probably intimidating enough to dissuade the cheesy El Paso youth.

1:40 Visit the Hot Topic. “Of course is name is Juan!” He seems nice enough, so we make friends.

2pm Go see Hostel 2, in order to kill time. First thing we see is a shaved Euro cock. It sets stage for the entire movie.

4pm We really couldn’t feel worse about El Paso. Let’s GTFO!

4:30 Finally out of Texas. Horay!

5pm Begin to see signs for The Thing! The suspense only builds as we go.

6:45 Arrive at The Thing! Tickets only cost $1. Oh Boy!

7pm The Thing! is revealed to be the corpse of an old Chinese railroad worker, who white people continue to exploit ages after death.

7:05 Skuz begins bank account fraud.

10:30 Arrive in Phoenix. Thanks Gordon.

11:30 Purchase a thirty pack of turtle beer. End result probably clear.

2am Gordon goes to sleep. Skuz and Fernando start wrestling. Skuz receives Yokozuna (bare ass to the face) from Fernando and Fernando receives atomic wedgie from Skuz all before falling onto Gordon’s futon nearly breaking it. Good one. Skuz has several Fernando-sized hand prints on his body.

2:45 “Kids” go to sleep. Snort and Sleeves stay up till 4:30am bonding over turtles.

DAY 5

Wake up feel terrible. “What time is it? Oh, it doesn’t matter, where’s the whiskey?”

11am Bastard composes the Ballad of Charles Hurley to chronicle the legend of El Paso.

12pm Begin watching House. Snort is content. The next six hours can be summed up by watching House and drinking booze. Snake, Skuz, and Fernando may have been drinking pool water. Who knows?

6pm An extremely wasted Skuz can’t seem to keep his pants on. No skuz, we will not change your diaper. “Look how small my dick is!”
6:05 Skuz rubs his penis on a sleeping Fernando’s back.

6:30 What’s going on? Everyone starts fighting. Seems there’s ball punching and face spitting. We better drink some more.

8pm Gordon comes home. Rally up.

9pm We visit Gordon’s favorite bar. Order food as Skuz tries to make a scene.
Spot Snake talking to guys for some reason, instead of girls. “But he sets the prices at the airport!”
Snort encourages Sleeves to hit on random girls, especially the dready.
Sleeves doesn’t seem excited. He does love the cock after all.
Why did we even go out?

10:30 Return to Gordon’s apartment, and watch Departed.

2am Everyone passes out. Snort and Sleeves stay up late again and bond over more turtles.

DAY 6

12pm Wake up...Wow feel terrible. Snort don’t die!

12:30 Switch from House to Arrested Development. The Sun! Whos idea was that?

2pm Go to the grocery store for pre-show BBQ. Spot Fernando and Sleeves slow dancing in the booze isle. Good thing it isn’t Texas.
Rest of day summed up by not moving and watching TV.

7pm Gordon comes home. Time to eat!

8pm Snort does blow off the Blow DVD case, and finally takes a shower.

9pm Arrive at Jug Heads. It’s pretty empty.

9:20 Snake gets pretty excited about the porn-filled crane game. He wins a classy pair of dick glasses. Second band arrives.

10:30 Bastard goes on, and we officially make the transition from giant Mexicans to giant Indians. It’s a solid play.
Earlier we receive a call from Austin. Skuz has to get laid for Austin’s birthday, or Austin will be furious. The mission begins.

11pm Survey the lady situation.

11:01 Spot hott chick, but probably the girlfriend of other band’s bass player. Move on.
11:02 Realize the only other girl in the bar is most likely a wildebeest or perhaps a surely manatee.

11:03 The game is on!

12am Bastard goes on again for Kareoke. They play a wide variety of songs, and bar dancing ensues. Reese gets up and rocks out, even while he is serving. The manatee won’t stop badgering Sleeves about the reality TV cooking shows. “Just let me talk to Gordon for fuck’s sake!”

1:30 Van is loaded up. We are about to leave when manatee stops Skuz. Happy birthday Austin.

1:35 Skuz rides with the beast while Snort mans-up and drives us home. It was still a group effort.

2am Arrive back at Gordon’s, manatee in tow.

2:05 Sleeves deposits Snake in a tree so that he might urinate from it.

2:07 Snake has to cork his stream to avoid pissing on the manatee. After that she claimed that Snake did in fact urinate on her. In actuality the trollger pissed her own wasted pants.

2:10 Back in the apartment a furious pissed soaked manatee runs off into the night.
Note: Skuz was not excited to have sex with mentioned wildebeest, which says a lot.

2:15 Team “Get Skuz’s Mullet Laid for Austin’s Birthday” does everything in its power to get the trollger back, including an offer to switch pants. Sadly the efforts prove fruitless.
Note: The entire time Skuz does nothing. He obviously hates Austin.

2:30 Until everyone passes out we tease the crap out of Skuz for being a worthless bag-of-bones and not fucking the manatee for Austin. Two out of three rule, “My ass! Your name is Skuz.” Good thing he has standards.

DAY 7

11:30am Wake up, feel less terrible. Enjoy left-over breakfast.

11:45 Finish the rest of Arrested development.

6pm With the sun safely down, it is time to drive to Vegas.

11pm Stop in a town close to Vegas and purchase two eighteen packs. “Let’s roll into Vegas with style.”

12am We are probably drunk in the van. We start to notice signs for some elaborate police check point. How many beer cans can we hide?

12:05 Despite us looking shady, having a driver with a mustache and mullet, and a van full of crap, they just let us go.

12:25 We ride over the Hoover Damn, and there are probably more cops. Good thing we started drinking again.

1am Vegas baby!

1:30 We park the van on the strip and have group bonding piss on neighboring vehicles.

1:40 Treasure Island for some reason.

2am We stop at Barbery Coast and partake in extremely over-priced shots. Skuz and Snake want to gamble.

2:10 We take more shots, and time kind of stops.
Spot plastered Fernando interrupting as many prostitutes in action as possible. Any old guy talking to a younger hott chick who looks incredibly too interested, has a date with Fernando.
The King of Cockblockery! Sleeve’s personal favorite cockblock is the nerdy white guy, complete with fanny pack, pulling money out the atm with his black hooker. Earlier the same guy bough Fernando drinks to leave him alone.
Later notice Fernando, currently on a rampage, harassing a group of posers wearing classic rock Hot Topic T-shirts. The band is brought up, and it’s fairly obviously the posers are getting pissed at the very obnoxious Fernando who teases them. When they ask what function Sleeves serves he responds, “I kick people’s asses when they talk to much shit to my friends.” They then become very accommodating to Fernando’s emotional needs. Feather Ruffle for the win.

4:30 We attempt to return to the van, except like a bunch of drunken goamers we can’t remember where it is.

5:30 Locate van and head to Chris’s house and pass out.

DAY 8

3pm Wake up. “Where are we? What day is it?”

3:05 We notice that no one we know is home, except some girls who we were sure would enjoy the company of dirty sleazy strangers.
Snake and Skuz have been long gone to go gamble.

3:30 Eat breakfast and watch Ricky Bobbie. Skuz and Snake return at some point.

5:30 Chris and Bobby come home.
Nickelodeon Gas! We watch GUTS. Climb that Aggro Crag!
Legends of the Hidden Temple. The Green Monkeys did what to Olmek?

8:30 While still in a stupor, we roll to the Slanted Clam. Probably the best bar name ever. Yes! Free drink tickets.

9pm Crowd would rather sit at the bar than listen to the Rock.

9:30 After Bastard plays, the “interesting”crowd shows up.

10pm Spot Skuz getting cozy with hott black chick who likes punk, mullets, and the mustache for some reason. We agree that it is a massive improvement over manatee.

10:30 Sleeves tries very hard to push the record. He only sells a few, most people still suck apparently. Snort, still not feeling well, sleeps in the van.

11:30 Snake and Sleeves receive far too much attention from forty-nine-year-old skanky black chick, probably a hooker, who oddly enough is friends with Skuz’s potential biddy.

12am Creepy black chick, who can’t really speak, gives Sleeves a psychic reading. She tells Sleeves his ex-girlfriend had his baby. Bullshit of course, but accurate enough to freak him out.

12:30 See Skuz be the victim of a very elaborate cockblock via potential biddy’s friends, who for some reason don’t like him. Imagine that.

12:32 Potential biddy tries several times to scribble her number on a wet napkin, leaving only an undecipherable treasure map to the poon-tang.

12:40 The rest of the guys start small talking, as Skuz starts pouting.

12:50 Angry Skuz starts teasing some big curly-haired guy, who later turns out to be the promoter that books the shows and pays the band. Good one.

1am Skuz is being super obnoxious to sober lady friend of Chris while sitting in the back of another band’s truck. He is content to talk shit till he finally passes out in the van.

2am Return to Chris’s house, and notice that the other roommate Stephy has brought some punk rock version of Sanjaya my papaya. This equals super annoying girl pants wearing, story telling, liar liar, who can only get-off to gay porn, so we better make sure he doesn’t steal our stuff.

2:10 We buy food from the Circle K. Sleeves gets free carton of eggs from clerk who can’t count change, or work the register. Come home, and pass out.

DAY 9

12pm Wake up, and not sure if we feel terrible. At this point we could probably just say normal.

12:30 Have breakfast of champions. Thank you free eggs.

3:30 Load up and head to Bakersfield.
Entire drive can be summed up by Sleeves sitting between and extremely wasted Skuz and Fernando. How many times does one think the wonder twins can spit beer on, ash on, fondle, bite chest hair off of, and passively threaten to spill piss on Sleeves during one van ride? Probably more than a few. Also, dumping piss out the window is at the heights of class radiation.

8:30 Arrive at the bar. Skeezy = awesome. We say hello to Mika’s friends and hilarious array of biker dudes.
Spot poser band Riff Raff. “But the dude is a squatter. You know, one of those kids that pretends to be homeless till they use their cell phones to bum cash from their parents.”

9:30 Riff Raff goes on. Sucky at best.

10:30 Jay Cool’s band goes on and are much better. “How many fat biker guys can you fit into one band. (Look around) I mean one bar.”

11:30 Bastard goes on. They play a very good show, with some hilarious biker guy participation. Seems fat biker guys is the natural progression from giant Indians.

11:35 How many times can Skuz and Fernando say party? Let’s party, where’s the party?, hey party my party, let’s party in the party on the party party, hey don’t put your party in my party, that’s not enough party to party my party. Shut up for fuck’s sake!

1am Informed of big after party at Jay Cool’s house. Snort heads off with Kyle, who is a friend from Fort Collins, and his big amazon lady friend who used to work at the Drunken Monkey. “Wow, sit on my face!”

1:30 Spot entire Hell’s Angels gang roll into the bar...It’s time to go.

2am At the party Big biker guy Joey picks up Fernando only to immediately fall over, dropping Fernando on his head...but in reality he just scrapped his fingers.

2:10 Enter Jay Cool’s house and immediately spot giant bag of Taco Bell. Drunk people + Taco Bell = feeding frenzy.

2:30 Skuz and Fernando start shit talking Riff Raff.
“Hey do you faggots know what a squatter is?” -Fernando
“Look at these faggots. ‘Hey my mom did my mohawk’.” -Skuz

2:35 Snake and Riff Raff bass player break a light fixture in the kitchen. Gravity is a bitch.

3am Riff Raff is intent on fighting, so long as Sleeves isn’t in the room.
“You faggots don’t know what a wine recline is? You put the space bag to shame. Take that shit out of the box.” -Skuz
Skuz removes the wine from the box, only for a pissed-off Riff Raff to put it back in.

3:30 How many burley biker guys can you fit into one house. A lot apparently, especially when they all look the same.

3:45 Sleeves goes to deposit trash in the kitchen. While gone Riff Raff actually tries to fight Skuz. Sadly, for them, things go south. While probably thinking they were safe, Riff Raff tries to punch Skuz, but since they are drunken retards, they hit Sheila instead. The end result involves big guy Joey (who earlier dropped Fernando) performing an extremely elaborate WWF Macho Man Randy Savage spin move and lays out the oh so skinny Riff Raff singer. Riff Raff then runs for their lives before they are devoured by the army of giant biker thugs. They should probably never play Bakersfield again.

4am Everyone has successfully bummed all of Sleeve’s smokes.

4:30 Everyone, absolutely in love with Bastard, gets them all to sign autographs before passing out.

4:45 Sleeves and Snake pass out in the living room while Fernando embarks on an adventure.
Sometime after 5am Fernando befriends some lady in the middle of a domestic disturbance. After pounding half of her Jagger bottle, he tried to fight her cheating husband who was hiding in the house. Lucky for him, he never came outside.

Day 10

11am What a fucking surprise, Skuz wakes us all up to the sound of his voice. Wow we feel fucking terrible.

11:01 Where is Snort? Oh yea, thanks a lot booze.

11:10 Spot giant bag of burgers in the kitchen. No wonder giant bikers are giants.

12pm Send off Jay Cool. Apparently he works in Vegas.

12:30 Start watching TNT New Classics with Jay Cool’s sixty- year-old mom. Old lady commentary is fairly priceless.

3pm Let’s go find Snort!

3:30 Arrive at Kyle’s house. “Help yourself to all the food.” Don’t mind if we do!

3:45 Spot giant amazon doing our dishes. “Wow, sit on my face!”

4:30 We all go swimming at Kyle’s friend’s girlfriend’s house. It’s a nice big house with a pool, and a fridge full of food. Living with your parents seems to pay off for the slackers.

5pm Enjoy beer by the pool in the shade. Why does their dog look like a cat had sex with a rat? “Hey don’t Pomeranian on my parade.”

7pm Participate in some ridiculous pool adventures, involving plucking fruit off nearby trees and baseballing them with a shovel while trying to pelt each other.
“Hey let’s go eat more of their food.”
“It’s ok , it’s her mom’s.”
“Nice lettuce sandwich Sleeves.”

10pm We finally leave and go back to Kyle’s to drink whiskey. We probably eat more of their food.

10:30 Amazon comes out to smoke with us. “Wow, seriously, sit on my face!” Too bad she sleeps sixteen hours a day.

12am We break the unbreakable gord. Porch decorations are overrated anyway.

1:30 Snake attempts to catch frogs before we watch The Descent. Everyone passes out during the movie. Kyle snores like some grizzly bear hippopotamus or some shit.

Day 11

11am Wake up and wonder if maybe it’s the sound of Skuz’s voice that makes me feel terrible.

12pm We load up and head to Reno.
The van ride can be summed up by the sweaty butt nest. Still the drive through the mountains was rather frightening. “My shit just took a shit!” -Snort.

5:30 Sacramento traffic is ass, but at least there is a Taco Bell.

5:45 We get gas and realize that Snake dislikes black people. “Oh Snake, why so full of hate?”

7:30 Arrive in Reno where the bars are practically on campus.

8:30 Notice that the other bands are all jam bands...if you took away the bass and the guitar you’d have a much shittier Mark Mallman.

10:45 Bastard goes on, and note the total progression. We went from fat Mexicans, to giant Indians, to burley bikers, and then to a brostada one-man-mosh-pit. Camouflage shorts rule!

1am We realize that the show was rather uneventful, but at least some drunk people bought some stuff. Note that the last guy bought a record for $7 because we had no change, followed by a belligerent Fernando immediately calling him a faggot. Luckily Snort has diplomatic immunity.

1:30 We are on the way Boise! It’s a good thing Snort bought that Mad Dog. He’s alive again!
Van ride can be described by a very drunk Snort and Sleeves rocking out to Dream Evil in the most annoying way possible while Skuz falls asleep at the wheel. Snake tries to nap for his shift, and Fernando is passed out, and dead set on snuggle time with Sleeves for at least two hours.

9:30 We arrive in Boise. “Jesus H., put a bullet in me...”

9:31 Out of the van Sleeves almost loses consciousness, as Skuz tries to fight Snort for some reason, but spot party beagle inside Jared’s house and all is well. Sam!

9:35 We pass out in the basement. Sam took a party on the corner.

Day 12

2pm Wake up feel terrible. It would seem that Snake and Skuz had already been up for some time bugging the roommates and playing with some sort of handmade swing.

3:30pm We get a snack at Bad Burger before dinner with Snake’s mom. The burgers turn out to be huge. Probably a bad play. “Sleeves, why did you eat all of those fries?”

5:30 We are moving around some how, and are off to dinner with Snake’s mom.

6:30 We find ourselves at a very expensive Italian restaurant. Kind of wish we hadn’t eaten all that fast food. Though it’s doubtful our stomachs could get much worse that this point. The doggy bag is a strong play.

8:30 We return to Jared’s house and discover that in the two hours we were gone all of Jared’s friends are already drunk. Spot Merril, the giant drunk Irish guy. No way! “Oh party beagle where are we?”

9pm Bastard plays set in basement, and it seems that Merril is passed out in some bushes. Oh well, maybe next tour.

9:30 Jared finishes off the progression with the one-man-mosh-pit of Jared screaming, “Support the band! What have you got to lose? It’s your band!” Classic sauce.

10:30 Other band plays, and is rather funkadelic with a super obnoxious strobe light. We are forced into watching by the one-man-pit.

11:30 Bastard plays again despite that everyone at the party seems to have left. Go one-man-pit go?

12:30 At this point Jared’s sentences take about forty-five minutes to complete. “Let’s take some shots!”
Also at some point Jared sells his bass to some guy for a can of creamed corn, which Jared already had in his kitchen. Oh that tequila!

1am Jared insists that Jill oil pants on his kitchen wall. Oh that tequila!

1:10 Jared is pissed that Jill painted on his kitchen wall. We discuss how one can define art. “Let’s take some shots!”

1:30 Amongst the fighting Fernando rubs his penis all over a passed out Skuz’s face. Revenge is pretty sweet.

1:35 A wasted forty-five minute sentence spewing Jared still argues over why Jill painted on his wall, while acid tripping super dad mode Snake sticks up for his sister.

2am Everyone is friends again, and the moral of the story is that Jared likes to yell at art.

2:05 Jared passes out, while the rest of us chain party. Give me a party. Who has my parties? Let’s smoke a party.

2:30 Neighbors yell at us from next door. Skuz then rally’s up.
Quote of the night: “When you fart on my dick, it’s over.” -Snort

2:35 The great sodomy adventure begins. How long would one think that Fernando and eventually Jill would try to stick a guitar plug up Skuz’s asshole?
Answer: Until they get in up there.

3am Fearing the drive, Sleeves passes out. Skuz and Jill run off at some point and fuck in the van. “Didn’t she used to be your sister?” We all wait patiently for Snake to kill Skuz. “I’m proud of you, and ashamed of her.” -Snake

5am There is a drunk drive to the gas station for more parties. Fernando walks inside with just his boxers and demands a Sparks. Sadly, it is too early to buy booze.
“If we leave before 1pm tomorrow, I’ll be amazed.” -Snort

Day 13

12:30 Wake up feel terrible, and check the time. Oh what a shocker.

1pm We go have breakfast with Snake’s mom at the Chicken King! Take that hangover!

2:30 We are loaded up and on the road home.
It is a very uneventful van ride. All of Utah is under construction. We decide that no amount of road work can fix that shitty state.

6pm We stop for gas and food, only to spot the coolest guy in Utah. “Nice convertible asshole!”

6:30 We start driving and almost get lost before encountering the worst sign on the highway: Left to Cheyenne or Right to Salt Lake City. We want Colorado damn it!
There is more terrible driving as Wyoming is also under construction.
The dream of taking a shit in Little America was thwarted by our need to go home.

12:30 Almost to Laramie and Sleeves is thoroughly delirious from almost non-stop driving.
There is nothing on the radio but intense Christian jams. “Oh I want to get down on my knees and please you Jesus. I want to feel your Salvation all over my face.”

1:30 Jesus is kind enough to guide us to a gas station in Laramie, and Snake takes the wheel.

2:30 Are we really back in Fort Collins? Do we really still live here? Good thing we partied like a rock star!