Guna Die Alone part 8

The sun was burning hot above us, but the cool ocean breeze was rolling in as the tide went out. It was the perfect temperature, and laughter was the predominant sound. My mind becomes a whirlwind of thoughts, jumping from one idea to the next. I scold myself for thinking so much before I meander over to the barrel of tequila. I kneel down under the nozzle, holding myself up with one hand and opening the spigot with the other. I drink it in, as much as I can stand. When I get back up my vision blurs, but there is a smile on my face. The world was fading away.

Still, I had to decide between our stasis and the poontang.

This ladies and gentlemen is how I sound to myself when I’ve drunk myself into a stupor. I slow down and remind myself through some stupid automatic response how functional I can be. I’ll translate that first paragraph back to the way I normally sound.

Fuck it’s hot outside, but we’re on the beach. Hell’s yea! Look at this fucking party. Man I’m pretty wasted maybe I should sit down. Well while I’m down here…GLUG GLUG GLUG. (I gag slightly) Fuck, I can’t believe we have to go home soon.

I should probably fuck this chick, but I don’t want to leave everybody.

The Mexico girl reminded me of what a philistine I actually am. But that realization didn’t come till much later. Despite being a philistine, in my own way, I still consider myself to be somewhat of an intellectual. But I will say that no matter how intellectual you’ve convinced yourself that you are, you’re still a dude. And as a dude you’re an animal. This is how we think, no matter who you are. And ladies, again, if any man says he doesn’t then he’s a fucking liar. As far as women go I’m not sure, and I have no intention of finding out. I imagine that scene from Indiana Jones and the last crusade.

The bad guy picks a cup that he thinks is the holy grail and drinks from it. Now we all know what a stupid mistake that was because as we discussed earlier the holy grail isn’t a stupid fucking cup. It’s actually located between the legs of women everywhere. And he thought it was a cup, what an asshole. So he drinks from the cup, realizes he’s wrong, then grows old and disintegrates before everyone’s eyes.

This is what I imagine happening to anyone trying to figure out how women think. It’s just a poor idea. Anyhow, on with the story.

So I get called over for a picture with mexico, some of her friends, and my boss. We’re all pretty plowed so we fumble awkwardly for a moment as we attempt to get into a good pose. As we do this I drop my drink which I had been precariously holding with my teeth. When I drop my drink it falls all over her and her white shirt.

I was drinking a bloody maria, which is a bloody mary but with tequila. That translates to a big red stain on a white shirt. Now I’m used to dealing with big red stains, but never above the waist.

Ok, well except for that one time but that still kind of gives me the shivers.

Disaster! I think I say I’m sorry but I don’t remember. She then ran off with her friends. In general it’s a poor idea to drop drinks on, and ruin the clothes of the girl you’re attempting to score on. Most guys would give up at that point.

I’m not most guys.

I spy her a few minutes later off in the water with her shirt off. She was washing her shirt in the ocean while her friend waited for her on the shore line a ways back.

“Well, her shirts off. May as well use that to advantage.” I remember thinking that to myself, before I grabbed 3 fresh beers out of our supply and sauntered over. I decide to stop and talk to her friend. One of the best ways to win a chick over is to get her friends to like you. So that’s what I did. I hand her a beer and we make small talk until mexico came back from laundry time in the ocean. When she finally walks back over to us, I extend my hand and help her up some rocks and hand her a beer.

She still hasn’t put her shirt back on, and those giant gorgeous tits of hers are just pouring out of her bra. I was totally mesmerized. This is somewhat cliché and I’m sure you’ve all heard it before, but you have to treat breasts like the sun.

Don’t stare directly at them.

Staring directly at them can only lead to disaster. Girls don’t like it when you treat them like pieces of meat.

Ha! Ok that’s not true. They totally do, however, they don’t want to say it out loud. It’s all a very delicate process. If women didn’t know that men were ogling them all the time, their self esteem would be low, and women wouldn’t walk around like they own the place. So stare at the tits guys, just don’t make it obvious. Until later anyway.

Now I’m not a rookie here people. I had strategically put on a pair of dark sunglasses before I went over. The real dark kind where no one can see your eyes. This tactic allows you the freedom to stare directly at any pair of tits at close range. It’s also an accepted form of ogling.

I’d be fooling myself if I actually thought girls didn’t know you were staring at their tits through dark glasses. But as I said, they like it, and as long as no one says it out loud, everybody wins. She gets to feel desired, and you get to stare a gorgeous pair of tits, that at any moment you expect to jump out of their bra and be free like that Willy character from that shitty movie all those years ago.

Go Willy! Go!

During that little exchange I couldn’t really hear anything she was saying because I was doing everything I could to restrain my animal urges, which are made worse by being drunk, to jam my face right in between those things and motor boat the shit out of her. That might also be foreshadowing, I’m not sure.

Anyhow things go well from that point on. She grabs my hand and we go back to the beach party. I drop the spoon line on her and in a few moments we’re making out.

The funny thing about the spoon line, is mexico wasn’t the first girl I had used that on. It always has a variety of responses, that range from scowls and slaps in the face to the sucking and plunging of party parts. In general I say I’d like to eat your ass with a baby spoon, but this time I went with just her in general. Seems like it worked out.

Her friends eventually inform us that they are going back to the condo they rented for some BBQ party and they steal her away.

I wasn’t disappointed really when she left. I remember that I’ve been really relaxed on this trip, and after almost 3 days not a single rage related outburst. I was on vacation damn it. That’s what vacations are for. Not too mention we’d had a few good moments on that beach, and part of my vacation was getting away from women.

But if you recall, I’m an animal.

So we make out some more, and her friends take her away. I’m in a fantastic mood.

A few minutes later she appears behind me again. She informs me that one of my friends was getting into their cab with them, and that I should come. When I find out which friend, I get pretty excited. Surely if he’s going then I can too. I told a few people about it, but quickly scampered off.

Keep in mind that we were all supposed to drive back up to Phoenix to catch our flights home the next morning. None of it mattered to me though. I hadn’t experienced such a state of freedom in so long, I wasn’t sure if I ever had. For 3 days I didn’t feel angry. So off I went.

When I get into the cab with her and her friends I quickly realize that my friend is no where to be found. I’m all on my own. The car starts up and we start driving away.

Apparently my friend who was supposedly already in the cab, had tried to convince one of mexico’s friends to go have a quick hump session in an alley way. Seems that the eloquence of whatever line he may have used was insufficient. As a result he went back to the vans.

Still, I’m not worried. I told people where I was going, sort of, and I still have plenty of time to get back before we drive to Phoenix.

This is where I fail.

I had imagined that their condo was just a few blocks away in whatever town we were in. Not the case. We start slowly driving away, back toward the town we had previously been staying at. I also realize that I’ve left my phone behind. And no passport.

This is how I get left behind. Ah shit!

Still, I remain distracted by the women with gigantic boobs sitting next to me, biting my chest.

My penis and I need to have a serious conversation about expectations.

In part 9 I will eventually get rescued, and we have to fight our way back to America. Mexico girl will also come to see me.

My kingdom starts to topple.